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Humor And Breathing

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." George Bernard Shaw

Laughter is a great form of medicine. PDFLaughter as a form of exercise.

It changes brain chemistry, releasing endorphins that increase our sense of well-being, improve our reasoning powers and make us less sensitive to pain. Laughter is a proven stress reducer. A good belly laugh both requires and improves deeper breathing and reduces muscle tension. People who have joy in their lives are more likely to feel good about themselves. It also seems fairly obvious that having a sense of humor helps one cope with life's stressors and crises. Humor can ultimately be used as a coping tool for almost any difficulty because it engages an increase in depth of breathing that relaxes, refreshes and restores.

Laughter can also be dangerous when in conjunction with hypertension, hypercholesterolemia, coronary bypass and smoking, some laughter done too hard will cause Valsalva's maneuver

Laughter is powerless without breathing. So is the catharsis of crying.  Ever laugh till your eyes teared or you outright cried?

Do you titter or guffaw, smirk or chuckle, smile undiscernibly or yuck, yuck, yuck?

Humor makes life fun. We lighten up and allow the freedom of the breath and reforming of key thought forms to recreate or re-enforce new aspects of inner perspectives.  We get to take a step back and observe and more appreciate the absurd or the underlying wisdom within the depth of our natural un-forced inhalations. 

Laughter is a primary release mechanism from tension. When ridiculousness occurs and our breath releases, we can more readily see the beauty, joy, wittiness or intelligence and better accept unfamiliar or too familiar forms; even the gems of truth hidden in obscure, and blatantly obvious counterproductive points of view.  I would dearly miss the newspaper comic section.  

On a more somber note, Doonesbury author Gary Trudeau states that "In the shadow of great sorrow, sometimes laughter is the only thing between people and utter despair." 

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."
 Mark Twain

Breathing and humor can be a safety valve for the healthy release and expression of anger and other strong feelings and emotions. 

Humor is mentally and physically good for everyone offering perspective and balance while providing temporary relief from the world's restrictive regulations.

Humor is a means of communication and creative expression.

Humor affirms life and brings people together.

Humor is a way to express the truth even when the truth is feared.

Humor is very beneficial in strengthening relationships. It gives one a special   perspective and sense of power. Humor also dispels anger and aggression and relieves tension.

We that learn to find humor even in some of the grim realities and emotion-packed challenges of daily life have an edge on peace of mind. But this mindset takes practice.

And so it goes..

Notice what happens with your breathing after you laugh a lot. My breathing slows down and becomes fuller and deeper. My voice becomes more resonant.

____________________________________________________

 

Humor And Breathing

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. 

THOUGHT for the day: 

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. 

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT!

 For Mothers and a few fathers

The Sandwich:

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of ivory colored liquid.

on my fingers. 

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'

One of my favorite birthday cards shows a picture of a "seeker" coming to the "top of the mountain" to ask the great sage and seer of all knowingness,

"Oh great baba, what is the secret of long life?"

Inside the card, baba reveals,

"Keep breathing as long as you can."

The Laughlab, at www.laughlab.co.uk, was created by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in England for what he calls the most comprehensive study ever on the psychology of humor. Since it was launched the site has collected more than 20,000 jokes and ratings from 200,000 people in 70 countries.

The following joke received the highest rating from 47 percent of people who participated:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

Diagnosis?.
"When I press my forehead with my finger, it really hurts, " a patient complained to his doctor. "And when I do the same to my cheek, it's also painful. Even if I press on my stomach, I suffer. What can it be?"

Stumped, the physician sent the patient to a specialist.

The man returned to his doctor the following week. "what did the specialist say?" the doctor asked.  The man replied. 
"She said I have a broken finger."

--The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected. 

In the first book of the Bible, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Dililah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. 

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father & mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still & he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklestines, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives & 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.  

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone". 

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead & managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibles. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 San Francisco is the greatest.

You know you're in San Francisco when ...

Your co-worker tells you she/he has 8 body piercings but none are visible.

When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of danger.

You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.

You can't remember... is pot illegal?

You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.

Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers".... it's the first time you have seen him/her nude. 

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.

You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF, and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.

A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.

You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.

 REAL HEADLINES IN REAL NEWSPAPERS

  1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
  2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  9. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
  13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
  14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
  16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  23. War Dims Hope for Peace
  24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  26. Deer Kill 17,000
  27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
  36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  38. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

PREPARING FOR A MAMMOGRAM

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. Borrowed with permission from the author. "And How Are We Feeling Today?" by Kathryn Hammer (copyright 1993, Contemporary Books).

Best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home!

Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Exercise #2: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise #3: Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all our warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. Relieving the Trauma of Mammography 

--- Twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk

  1. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
  2. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
  3. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
  4. "You don't discriminate against those with Latent Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?"
  5. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
  6. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
  7. "Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
  8. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
  9. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
  10. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
  11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
  12. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
  13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
  14. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
  15. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
  16. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
  17. "I was working smarter-not harder."
  18. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
  19. "I'm in the management training program."
  20. "The coffee machine is broken...."
  21. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
  22. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
  23. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
  24. "It's okay... I'm still billing the client." And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
  25. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"

---So there’s this sweet Jewish grandma at this party and she spots a young man and goes over to him and says "well!, you look like a nice young man, tell me something about yourself." He says well, I’ve been gone a long time and it’s nice to be here with my friends. She says "You were gone a long time? Where did you go. He replies. " Well, I was in prison". Prison she says, OH MY, Prison. Goodness, how long were you in prison?.

He confides, 15 years. 
GOODNESS. 15 years. What on earth did you do to get sent to prison for 15 years. He tells her "I killed my wife". 

She raises her head , looks up at him, smiles and says "so your single?"

Here are the winners of this year's 2009 Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:   and

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its early contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the  subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
  3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops  bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,   shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting a date.
  7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

 really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's

 like, a serious bummer.

  1. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  1. Glibido: All talk and no action.
  2. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  3. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after  you've accidental ly walked through a spider web.
  4. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  5. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in  the fruit you're eating.

 The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

  1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
  6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  1. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  2. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
  3. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  4. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

If you just smirk, grin, or smile and never guffaw you may have a breathing problem that has been overlooked? Want to laugh deeper and with more gusto? 

Click here to take your FREE Breathing Tests

---Lawyer and the blonde. Read this one before you prejudge it. (mgw)

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!", figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.

All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

  • If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills;
  • If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
  • If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;
  • If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it;
  • If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time;
  • If you can overlook people taking things out on you when,
  • through no fault of yours, something goes wrong;
  • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment;
  • If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
  • If you can conquer tension without medical help;
  • If you can relax without liquor;
  • If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs;

Then,........

You are probably the family dog. Click here for Mike's "family dog".


---Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing.
 Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid: "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy says: "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid. "You don't know what you're asking. It will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else like a million dollars? Anything!!"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."

And he became a woman."

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12 thoughts for today- December 24, 2004

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.  If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 9. Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

  8. Some people are like Slinkies .... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

  7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

  6. Whenever I start feeling blue, I start breathing again.

  5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no 
attention to criticism.

  4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.

  3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

  2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

  And the #1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Most "terrorists" are reported to have come to the US legally, but they then hang around on expired visas, some for as long as 10 to 15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster. If you are 2 days late with a video, those people are all over you like a fat boy on a cupcake. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

___________________________________________________

---Subject: The Rabbit      

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and   killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray.  Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.

___________________________________________________

A funny thing happened to me while I was visiting the park in old London town last year. I had to use the park facility, which was one of those new high-tech automatic outdoor restrooms.

After I finished and was ready to leave, the automatic door opened and there stood another tourist like myself. (His attire obviously showed he was from China.)

I motioned for him to come in and save his admission coin; he'd come in and I'd go out simultaneously. He caught on right away; as I walked out, he walked in and the door closed automatically.

Then I heard this loud rushing of water inside. I then realized this toilet facility had an automatic self-cleaning feature that sounded all-encompassing inside. I quickly realized what was happening - the poor guy was getting all wet - so I walked pretty fast and jumped on a bus.

I often wonder if he still hates me. Maybe there's a new Confucius saying:

"Man who gets in free to use facility gets surprise of his life."

___________________________________________________

---Kiss that Frog
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want.

Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

___________________________________________________

-- Words of Wisdom

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

* Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

* Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

* I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

* People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

* I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

* Indecision is the key to flexibility.

* In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

* I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

* My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

* I am having an out of money experience.

* I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

* Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

* A day without sunshine is like night.

* I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

* If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

___________________________________________________

---Actual bumper stickers found on actual cars:

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* All generalizations are false.

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

* Born free...Taxed to death.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

* No radio - Already stolen.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

* How can I miss you if you won't go away?

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* i souport publik edekashun.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

* Keep honking...I'm reloading.

* Caution: I drive like you do.

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---A Long Happy Life?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

----- I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and couldn't understand why his computer would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

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---I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"I need a battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

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Working Out for Weight Loss
This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. A must read!                 

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and  model for athletic clothing and swimwear. 
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.  

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it  was well worth it when I arrived at the health club  to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too. 

Thursday:  Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, because it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce put me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, Iran and hid in the ladies room.  He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.  

Friday: I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him up. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the <&*@*#$ &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than  a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi dog.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&&&&&&&& Weather Channel. 

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the dog) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. 

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--- Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."

Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"


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--- My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,

"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

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---I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents.

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---One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a pathname to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"


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---I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.


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---In 7-11 the other day, I purchased several items and paid with a $20 dollar bill. As the clerk attempted to count out the correct change for the third time, she commented "I never was very good at Geometry."


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---These are "actual" lines from some company's performance reviews!!

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"He has two brains: one is lost, and the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


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---Joke of the Week -

A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that..." The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand.

Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens -- Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border. This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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---Let There Be Peace -

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't   received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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---The Perfect Story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect    couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.   Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

===================================

* A Male's Response * (Scroll Down )

 So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

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---JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER: When two fishermen from Puglia, Italy, found a hand grenade, they didn't turn it over to authorities, they took it fishing. And when they saw some bubbles coming from the deep, they tossed the grenade in the water "hoping to stun fish". The bubbles weren't coming from fish, but from Teodoro Zuccaro's scuba tank. The blast killed the 43-year-old diver. The two fishermen have been charged with manslaughter, detonating an explosive, and poaching...Poaching?: apparently divers weren't in season yet.

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TELEPHONE ANSWERING MACHINE OUTGOING MESSAGES
---My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

---This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

---(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of    toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

---Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine.

What are you?"

---He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

---"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

---"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.

They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

---This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

---"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

---"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

---"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, " Hey DeBakey...Is that you ? Come over here a minute." 
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, " So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work ? " DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to the man. "while the engine's still running?

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---------SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

  1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
  2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
  4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
  5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
  7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
  10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
  11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and

he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

  1. A fool and his money are soon partying.
  2. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
  3. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
  5. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  6. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  7. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  8. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  9. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
  10. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
  11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  12. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  13. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

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---Having a bad day?  TRUE STORIES REPORTED IN THE NEWSPAPERS

  1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
  2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
  3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, to find that his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
  4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.
  5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
  6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

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---An angel wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault;

if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird its food, But He does not throw it into its nest.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, But so few people can hold it.

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The Meaning of Life

by Cukey Sapodillo taken from http://www.livingnutrition.com/laugh.html 

The American businessman was at an outdoor fresh food market at a coastal Costa Rican farm village when a small truck with filled with boxes of fruit pulled up. The American complimented the driver on the quality of his fruit and asked how long it took to pick it all. The Costa Rican farmer replied, only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he pick more fruit? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Costa Rican farmer said, "I sleep late, tend to the orchard, pick fruit, have lunch, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should pick more fruit, plant more trees, spend more time farming and with the proceeds, buy a bigger orchard, and with the proceeds from the bigger orchard you could buy several orchards. Eventually you would have a fleet of trucks. Instead of selling your harvest at fruit stalls in small villages you would sell directly to city markets, and eventually open your own fruit exporting business. You would control the product and distribution."

"You would need to hire orchard and distribution managers, leave this small coastal village and move to San Jose, then Mexico City, then Los Angles, then New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Costa Rican farmer asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said: "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal farming village where you would sleep late, tend to your orchard, pick fruit, have lunch, play with your grandchildren, take siestas with your wife, stroll into the village each evening and play guitar with your amigos.

Breathing.  Everybody does it but few do it right. Want to laugh deeper and with more gusto? 

Click here to take your FREE Breathing Tests

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.  Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.  Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.  
******************************************* 
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.' 
********************************************************** 
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 'Brenda , may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'. 'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim . But where's my husband?' 'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda . There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery' 'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda . 'Please don't tell me.' 'I must, Brenda . Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim . 'How did it happen, Tim ?' 'It was terrible, Brenda ..  He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout , and drowned.' 'Oh my dear Jesus !  But you must tell me true, Tim , did he at least go quickly?' 'Well, Brenda , no.  In fact, he got out three times to pee.' 
**************************************************************                          
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?' She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news..  My husband passed away last night.' The priest says, 'Oh, Mary , that's terrible. Tell me, Mary , did he have any last requests?' She says, 'That he did, Father.' The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary ?' 'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!?
**************************************************************                         
 A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++====
 Important Notice:    Check with your tax advisor to confirm.  
Your income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

The good news is that I have learned of a recent change. For the next 4 years, your income taxes will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

 As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. 

I finally arrived an hour late. 

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. 

I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car. 
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=======

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.  Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating." 
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Republican in the family before!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=======
 

Quotes From the Science Exams of 11 Year Olds:

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."   
* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=======

  • "Jewish Buddhists"

    If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

    Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

    Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second sip, satisfaction. With the third sip, peace.
    With the fourth, a Danish.

    Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

    Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
  • What would you talk about?

    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

    There is no escaping karma.
  • In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
  • And whose fault was that?

    The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame.
  • TheTao does not take sides.
  • The Tao has no expectations.

    The Tao demands nothing of others.
  • The Tao is not Jewish!

    Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
  • Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

    Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
  • Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
  • And sit up straight.
  • You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

    Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
    Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

    The Torah says, "Love your neighbour as yourself."
  • The Buddha says, "There is no self."
  • So, maybe we're off the hook!

"Thomas, Michael" wrote:

  • The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • Sarchasm:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  • Ignoranus:A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
  • Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really badvibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

------------------------------

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. 
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.  I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.  This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'  The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' 
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. 
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' 
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

------------------------------

A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said " Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish". 

Suddenly, the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request, it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom".

"I think I can trust you won't disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for." 

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very sick on boats. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"

The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete....How much steel"!!!

"Your request is very materialistic and frankly, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things". 

"Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well". 

The man thought about it for a long time, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal Lord, I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive". 

"So here is my wish: I wish that I could understand women...I want to know how they feel inside and what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment...I want to know why they are crying...I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'...I want to know how to make them truly happy...That's the wish I want, Lord." 

Than after a few minutes, God said.........., "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?".

Actual McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment... and they hired him!

NAME:
Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

********************************* 
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said " RADAR TRAP AHEAD. " A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading " TIPS " and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

STRESSED?  OVERWORKED?

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 310 million. 64 million are retired. That leaves 246 million to do the work. There are 110 million in school, which leaves 136 million to do the work. Of this there are 52 million employed by the federal government, leaving 84 million to do the work. 6.0 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 78 million to do the work. Take from the total the 65 million people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 13 million to do the work. At any given time there are 11,100,026 people in hospitals, leaving 1,899,794 to do the work. Now, there are 1,899,792 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

AN OLD MAN AND HIS DOG

An old man lived with his hound, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions including a few tools.. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on the little these jobs would bring in. Mace was a normal bloodhound, with one exception, while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn. One bright, sunny day the old man headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough food for the remainder of the week. 
He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle his lips. Inside the house, the old man reached into the bag for his pipe wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but no wrench. Without it he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't buy food for tonight's supper. He told the lady who had hired him, what the situation was. She said that if the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else. 
"I'll check at home to see if the wrench is there," he said. The old man packed his tools and headed home. When he reached home there was Mace munching away on the lawn.   When the bloodhound saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, letting the old man know how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him.   Without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! 
Then, he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. It was the wrench. The old man had dropped it on the way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating the grass around the house.  The old man grabbed the dog and gave him a hug and ran into the house. Reaching for a pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a  moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words....until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has had his name recorded in history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the opening line of his original poem, which began: 

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

ARE DOCTORS REALLY HUMAN?

Just to prove that doctors are human and make mistakes like all the rest of us, we decided to show you some patient chart notes which allegedly came from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.  Surely they could not all be transcription errors...

  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
  • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
  • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
  • I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.
  • The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
  • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  • Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  • Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

LIFE

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for school. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating ..and then finish off as an orgasm!

For Mothers and a few fathers.

The Sandwich:

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The

corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly

at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on

my fingers. 

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do,

only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'

___________________________________________________

Swami Beyondananda's Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment

  1. Be a Fundamentalist--ensure that the FUN always comes before the MENTAL.

Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world  is to get more material. Have a good "laughsitive" twice a day, which will ensure regularity.

  1. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you're already a winner!
  2. The most powerful tool on the planet today is TELL-A-VISION. That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.
  3. Life is like photography: use the negative to develop.
  4. It is true: as we go through life making heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition called "TRUTH DECAY." Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when you're tempted to practice "TANTRUM YOGA," remember what we teach in the Swami's Abusdiveness Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD!
  5. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where... I no mad at you and you no mad at me.

That way there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there. Pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

  1. I know great changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.
  2. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.
  3. If you're looking for the key to the Universe, I've got some good news and bad news. The bad news: there's no key to the Universe. The good news: it was never locked.
  4. Finally, everything I've told you is channeled. That way, if you don' t like it, it's not my fault. But remember: Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through the channels.

SCREWY SIGNS

  1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
  2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
  3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
  4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
  5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
  6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
  7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
  8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
  9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
  10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
  11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
  12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
  13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
  14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
  15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Sure signs you have joined a very cheap HMO

Dialysis machines powered by COPD patients on treadmills.

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure"

Head wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace"

Annual chest x-ray conducted at Hooters.

Exam room has a tip jar

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

"Take two leeches and call me in the morning"

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle

Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep

"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana

Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the campground"

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is, "an apple a day"

Recycled bandages.

You can get your flu shot as soon as "The hypodermic needle is dry.

WHAT SHE WANTS IN A MAN, Original List ... (at age 22)

-----------------------------------

  1. Handsome
  2. Charming
  3. Financially Successful
  4. A Caring Listener
  5. Witty
  6. In Good Shape
  7. Dresses with Style
  8. Appreciates the Finer Things
  9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
  10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 32)

-----------------------------------

  1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
  2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
  3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
  4. Listens more than he talks
  5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
  6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
  7. Owns at least one tie
  8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
  9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
  10. Seeks romance at least once a week

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 42)

----------------------------------

  1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
  2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
  3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
  4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
  5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
  6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
  7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
  8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
  9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
  10. Shaves on most weekends

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 52)

----------------------------------

  1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
  2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
  3. Doesn't borrow money too often
  4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
  5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
  6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
  7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
  8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
  9. Remembers your name on occasion
  10. Shaves on some weekends

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 62)

----------------------------------

  1. Doesn't scare small children
  2. Remembers where bathroom is
  3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
  4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
  5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing
  6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
  7. Usually wears some clothes
  8. Likes soft foods
  9. Remembers where he left his teeth
  10. Remembers when...

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 72)

----------------------------------

  1. Breathing

NEW JEWISH WORDS

1. Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

2. Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

3. Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

4. Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

5. Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

6. Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

7. DÃjà Nu (n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

8. Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

9. Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.

10. Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

11. Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot. Also what bagels are made of.

12. Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

13. Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"

14. Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

15. Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

16. Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

17. Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

18.. Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

19. Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

20.. Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

21. Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

22. Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

23. Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

24. Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

25. Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork

Some great Irish jokes. (I'm Irish)

As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. 

I finally arrived an hour late. 

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. 

I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car. 
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.  Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating." 
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Republican in the family before!"

 

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:

  "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

    His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems 

   1 -  I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow,  you have  got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in  psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get  the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost  had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12  - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when  you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be  going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 -  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When  everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 -  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be  lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays  off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy  her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get  sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared  half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't  repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 

24 - Why do  psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you  don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A  conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 -  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need  it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the  softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is  plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem  with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The  sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.  

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic  memory; some just don't have film. 

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time  favourite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights  work?

Random Reflections on Life...
*I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now! *
*You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.*
*Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.*
*You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.*
*I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.*
*I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.*
*I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.*
*Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.*
*I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me.*
*Old age is coming at a really bad time!*
*When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!*
*The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."*
*Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!*
*I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.*
*My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.*
*Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.*
*If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.*
*The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".*
*I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.*
*I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it! *
*Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!*
*Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?*
*Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.*
*Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?*
*At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.*

  Better breathing equals better laughing. Click here

 My friend Charlie Boyle's Other Laws

. The first pull on the cord will send the drapes the wrong way.
. A falling nozzle will turn toward you and land on its trigger.
. Conjunctivitis is in the eye of the beholder.
. The one thing certain is that nothing is certain.
. The key deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
. When things are going well, someone will experiment.
. An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
. Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
. Any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.
. Improving and progressing are not the same as solving and completing.          
. Skill will be seen as management ability, causing disastrous promotions.
. The crucial memo in the out-basket will snag on an adjacent paper clip and go to file.
. On successive charts of an organization, the number of boxes will not decrease. 
. Managers will consider subordinate's premonitions mainly in the post-mortems.
. Unless controlled, work will flow to the competent until they submerge. 
. Progress will lag in areas where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
. Scientists who become archaeologists will do ground-breaking research.
. Your career will unfold as a series of miscalculations, not all yours.
. Along most dotted lines, the perforations will prove stronger than the paper.
. Your future will depend upon having the courage of your misconceptions.
. There are people you cannot trust with your money; so with your emotions.
. In life, the dictionary, or the phone book, you will repeatedly straddle the target.
. Fate will do all possible to put you into publicly embarrassing situations.
. Clearly stated instructions will produce multiple interpretations.
. If you gain the doctorate, you will lose your first name. 
. Today's disaster is tomorrow's archaeology. 
. If you go on living long enough, you will die.
. Even a bad example can be a good example.
. The ears have walls.     

 

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Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition : and

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  1. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
  2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops  bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,   shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  5. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting a date.
  6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.(This one got extra credit.)
  10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

 really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's

 like, a serious bummer.

  1. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day

 consuming only things that are good for you.

  1. Glibido: All talk and no action.
  2. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  3. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidental walked through a spider web.
  1. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  2. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

  1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
  6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  1. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  2. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
  3. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  4. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 



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