More Humor and Breathing
____________________________________________________
Quotes From the Science Exams of 11 Year Olds:
* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you
expire."
* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"Jewish Buddhists"
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so
complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With
the second sip, satisfaction. With the third sip, peace.
With the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another
story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for
perfect health, or a life without problems.
What would you
talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose
fault was that?
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame.
TheTao does not take sides.
The Tao has no
expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not
Jewish!
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this
and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never
meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a
terminal illness.
The Torah says, "Love your neighbour as yourself."
The Buddha says, "There is no self."
So, maybe we're off the hook!
"Thomas, Michael" wrote:
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Ignoranus:A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really badvibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
------------------------------
A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said " Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish".
Suddenly, the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request, it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom".
"I think I can trust you won't disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very sick on boats. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"
The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete....How much steel"!!!
"Your request is very materialistic and frankly, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things".
"Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well".
The man thought about it for a long time, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal Lord, I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive".
"So here is my wish: I wish that I could understand women...I want to know how they feel inside and what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment...I want to know why they are crying...I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'...I want to know how to make them truly happy...That's the wish I want, Lord."
Than after a few minutes, God said.........., "You want two lanes or four
on that bridge?".Actual McDonald's Fast Food Job Application
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment... and they hired him!
NAME:
Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a
position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE
ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO
WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
DO YOU HAVE ANY
SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR
CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY
PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a
car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED
ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that
now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT
THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.
*********************************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day,
everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was
standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said " RADAR
TRAP AHEAD. " A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's
accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "
TIPS " and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
STRESSED? OVERWORKED?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
AN OLD MAN AND HIS DOG
An old man lived with his hound, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He
had no family and only a few meager possessions
including a few tools.. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, Mace and his master
lived from one day to the next on the little these jobs would bring in. Mace was a normal
bloodhound, with one exception, while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace
loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of
the house, chewing away on the lawn. One bright, sunny day the old man headed into town to
work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of
the day and would probably pay enough food for the remainder of the week.
He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle his lips. Inside the house, the
old man reached into the bag for his pipe wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He
looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but no wrench. Without it he
couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't buy food for tonight's supper. He
told the lady who had hired him, what the situation was. She said that if the old man
couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.
"I'll check at home to see if the wrench is there," he said. The old man packed
his tools and headed home. When he reached home there was Mace munching away on the lawn.
When the bloodhound saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, letting the old
man know how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him.
Without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the
loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!
Then, he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. It was the wrench. The old
man had dropped it on the way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had
Mace not been eating the grass around the house. The old man grabbed the dog and
gave him a hug and ran into the house. Reaching for a pencil and the only piece of paper
he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever
heard these words....until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them
a bit and has had his name recorded in history. The old man never did get the credit he
deserved. But now you are privileged to read the opening line of his original poem, which
began:
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."
ARE DOCTORS RALLY HUMAN?
Just to prove that doctors are human and make mistakes like all the rest of us, we decided to show you some patient chart notes which allegedly came from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. Surely they could not all be transcription errors...
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
- I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
- The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
LIFE
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get
kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty
years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you
party, you get ready for school. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
you spend your last nine months floating ..and then finish off as an orgasm!
---Lawyer and the blonde. Read this one before you prejudge it.(mgw)
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!", figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
For Mothers and a few fathers.
The Sandwich:
___________________________________________________
Swami Beyondananda's Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment
1. Be a Fundamentalist--ensure that the FUN always comes before the MENTAL.
Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good "laughsitive" twice a day, which will ensure regularity.
2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you're already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is TELL-A-VISION. That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.
4. Life is like photography: use the negative to develop.
5. It is true: as we go through life making heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition called "TRUTH DECAY." Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when you're tempted to practice "TANTRUM YOGA," remember what we teach in the Swami's Abusdiveness Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD!
6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where... I no mad at you and you no mad at me.
That way there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there. Pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.
7. I know great changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.
8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.
9. If you're looking for the key to the Universe, I've got some good news and bad news. The bad news: there's no key to the Universe. The good news: it was never locked.
10. Finally, everything I've told you is channeled. That way, if you don' t like it, it's not my fault. But remember: Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through the channels.
SCREWY SIGNS
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Sure signs you have joined a very cheap HMO
Dialysis machines powered by COPD patients on treadmills.
Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure"
Head wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace"
Annual chest x-ray conducted at Hooters.
Exam room has a tip jar
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
"Take two leeches and call me in the morning"
The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle
Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep
"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs
Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana
Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the campground"
Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is, "an apple a day"
Recycled bandages.
You can get your flu shot as soon as "The hypodermic needle is dry.
WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing
NEW JEWISH WORDS
1. Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity
is Jewish.
2. Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read
from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
3. Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they
celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
4. Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to
butter it.
5. Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she
never gave to her own children.
6. Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can
change the baby's diaper.
7. DÃjà Nu (n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look
on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
8. Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and
strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
9. Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.
10. Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately
after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
11. Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's
way out of a tight spot. Also what bagels are made of.
12. Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used
to make.
13. Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"
14. Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on
one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a
reception.
15. Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all
your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
16. Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.
17. Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of
celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or
Taylor.
18.. Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a
tenth person to complete a Minyan.
19. Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food,
especially falafel.
20.. Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or
business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and
Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history
when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for
diskvellification.
21. Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end
of Passover.
22. Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your
car.
23. Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one
had a vasectomy.
24. Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the
shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
25. Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork
Better breathing equals better laughing. click here
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