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SURVEY:
What do you want to know about breathing? Answered in our newsletter

.
 

More Humor and Breathing

Page 1   Page 2   Page 3    Page 4   Page 5  

 

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.  Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.  Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher. 
*******************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
**********************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 'Brenda , may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'. 'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim . But where's my husband?' 'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda . There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery' 'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda . 'Please don't tell me.' 'I must, Brenda .  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim . 'How did it happen, Tim ?' 'It was terrible, Brenda ..  He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout , and drowned.' 'Oh my dear Jesus !  But you must tell me true, Tim , did he at least go quickly?' 'Well, Brenda , no.  In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
**************************************************************                         
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?' She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news..  My husband passed away last night.' The priest says, 'Oh, Mary , that's terrible. Tell me, Mary , did he have any last requests?' She says, 'That he did, Father.' The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary ?' 'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!?
**************************************************************                        
 A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++====
 Important Notice:    Check with your tax advisor to confirm. 
Your income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

The good news is that I have learned of a recent change. For the next 4 years, your income taxes will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

 As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.

I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=======

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.  Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Republican in the family before!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=======
 

Quotes From the Science Exams of 11 Year Olds:

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."   
* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=======

"Jewish Buddhists"

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second sip, satisfaction. With the third sip, peace.
With the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.

What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma.

In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.

And whose fault was that?

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame.

TheTao does not take sides.

The Tao has no expectations.

The Tao demands nothing of others.

The Tao is not Jewish!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.

Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.

And sit up straight.

You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, "Love your neighbour as yourself."

The Buddha says, "There is no self."

So, maybe we're off the hook!

"Thomas, Michael" wrote:

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Ignoranus:A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really badvibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

------------------------------

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.  I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.  This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'  The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

------------------------------

A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said " Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish". 

Suddenly, the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request, it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom".

"I think I can trust you won't disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for." 

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very sick on boats. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"

The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete....How much steel"!!!

"Your request is very materialistic and frankly, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things". 

"Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well". 

The man thought about it for a long time, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal Lord, I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive". 

"So here is my wish: I wish that I could understand women...I want to know how they feel inside and what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment...I want to know why they are crying...I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'...I want to know how to make them truly happy...That's the wish I want, Lord." 

Than after a few minutes, God said.........., "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?".

Actual McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment... and they hired him!

NAME:
Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

*********************************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said " RADAR TRAP AHEAD. " A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading " TIPS " and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

STRESSED?  OVERWORKED?

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 310 million. 64 million are retired. That leaves 246 million to do the work. There are 110 million in school, which leaves 136 million to do the work. Of this there are 52 million employed by the federal government, leaving 84 million to do the work. 6.0 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 78 million to do the work. Take from the total the 65 million people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 13 million to do the work. At any given time there are 11,100,026 people in hospitals, leaving 1,899,794 to do the work. Now, there are 1,899,792 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

AN OLD MAN AND HIS DOG

An old man lived with his hound, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions including a few tools.. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on the little these jobs would bring in. Mace was a normal bloodhound, with one exception, while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn. One bright, sunny day the old man headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough food for the remainder of the week.
He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle his lips. Inside the house, the old man reached into the bag for his pipe wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but no wrench. Without it he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't buy food for tonight's supper. He told the lady who had hired him, what the situation was. She said that if the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.
"I'll check at home to see if the wrench is there," he said. The old man packed his tools and headed home. When he reached home there was Mace munching away on the lawn.   When the bloodhound saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, letting the old man know how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him.   Without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!
Then, he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. It was the wrench. The old man had dropped it on the way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating the grass around the house.  The old man grabbed the dog and gave him a hug and ran into the house. Reaching for a pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a  moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words....until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has had his name recorded in history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the opening line of his original poem, which began: 

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

ARE DOCTORS REALLY HUMAN?

Just to prove that doctors are human and make mistakes like all the rest of us, we decided to show you some patient chart notes which allegedly came from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.  Surely they could not all be transcription errors...

  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
  • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
  • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
  • I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.
  • The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
  • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  • Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  • Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

LIFE

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for school. You go to primary school,  you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating ..and then finish off as an orgasm!

For Mothers and a few fathers.

The Sandwich:

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick  slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The
corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly
at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and  shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on
my fingers. 
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do,
only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'

___________________________________________________

Swami Beyondananda's Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment

1. Be a Fundamentalist--ensure that the FUN always comes before the MENTAL.

Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A  laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world  is to get more material. Have a good "laughsitive" twice a day, which will ensure regularity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you're already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is TELL-A-VISION. That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.

4. Life is like photography: use the negative to develop.

5. It is true: as we go through life making heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition called "TRUTH DECAY." Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when you're tempted to practice "TANTRUM YOGA," remember what we teach in the Swami's Abusdiveness Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD!

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where... I no mad at you and you no mad at me.

That way there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there. Pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking for the key to the Universe, I've got some good news and bad news. The bad news: there's no key to the Universe. The good news: it was never locked.

10. Finally, everything I've told you is channeled. That way, if you don' t like it, it's not my fault. But remember: Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through the channels.

SCREWY SIGNS

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Sure signs you have joined a very cheap HMO

Dialysis machines powered by COPD patients on treadmills.

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure"

Head wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace"

Annual chest x-ray conducted at Hooters.

Exam room has a tip jar

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

"Take two leeches and call me in the  morning"

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle

Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep

"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana

Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the campground"

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is, "an apple a day"

Recycled bandages.

You can get your flu shot as soon as "The hypodermic needle is dry.

WHAT SHE WANTS IN A MAN, Original List ... (at age 22)

-----------------------------------

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially Successful

4. A Caring Listener

5. Witty

6. In Good Shape

7. Dresses with Style

8. Appreciates the Finer Things

9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises

10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 32)

-----------------------------------

1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant

4. Listens more than he talks

5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times

6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal

9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 42)

----------------------------------

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion

4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down

10. Shaves on most weekends

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 52)

----------------------------------

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting

5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves on some weekends

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 62)

----------------------------------

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)

5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers when...

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN, Revised List ... (at age 72)

----------------------------------

1. Breathing
 

NEW JEWISH WORDS

1. Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

2. Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

3. Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

4. Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

5. Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

6. Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

7. Dj Nu (n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

8. Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

9. Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.

10. Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

11. Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot. Also what bagels are made of.

12. Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

13. Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"

14. Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

15. Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

16. Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

17. Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

18.. Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

19. Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

20.. Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

21. Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

22. Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

23. Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

24. Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

25. Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork

Some great Irish jokes. (I'm Irish)

As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.

I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.  Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Republican in the family before!"

 

If  you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous  Erudite (comic) scientist who once  said:

  "I  woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and  replaced by exact  duplicates."

    His  mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of  his gems 

   1 -  I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from  pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest  a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the  spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other  parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the  sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow,  you have  got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in  psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get  the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost  had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12  - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when  you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be  going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 -  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When  everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 -  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be  lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays  off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so  good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy  her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get  sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared  half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't  repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do  psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you  don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A  conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 -  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need  it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the  softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is  plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem  with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The  sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is  required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic  memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you  don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time  favourite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of  light, would your headlights  work?

Random Reflections on Life...
*I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now! *
*You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.*
*Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.*
*You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.*
*I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.*
*I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.*
*I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.*
*Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.*
*I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me.*
*Old age is coming at a really bad time!*
*When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!*
*The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."*
*Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!*
*I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.*
*My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.*
*Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.*
*If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.*
*The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".*
*I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.*
*I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it! *
*Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!*
*Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?*
*Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.*
*Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?*
*At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.*

 


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